Back in action!

Back in action!

I’m sitting here today with such a strong feeling of happiness; something way beyond anything I’ve ever experienced!

Let me backtrack:  it’s been a while since I’ve posted, but for good reason!  I met a guy. I’m sure you are thinking:  DETAILS, PLEASE!  Well here it is…I had absolutely no interest in meeting a man from my hometown.  In my previous posts I have explained to you my desire to move away, to get out of this small town, and find a new place to call home.  Although that is still my plan (I will NEVER deviate), I may be sidetracked for a little while considering this new love interest.

I have a small group of acquaintances dating back to high school who are the same age and single.  Once I was separated, I reconnected with them.  Mostly, this just secured an invite to a happy hour every so often.  Well, of course there had to be a certain guy who struck my interest one evening while out with these friends.  I had asked about him before to various people but nobody really seemed to take my inquiries seriously.  So, I took it upon myself to connect on social media (I know; how “millennial” of me).  Shortly thereafter we went on our first date; we had so much fun!  First, I’d like to say how comfortable this man made (and makes) me feel.  I was hesitant to talk about my divorce and “previous life” and what brought me out on a date in the first place.  Part of me felt insecure having to tell someone that my marriage didn’t work out and that I was back on the market.  I’ve had people freak out when they found out I’m still technically married.  His reaction was so welcoming and supportive!  All night we joked and had serious conversation, we sipped on our wine/beer and took shots.  By the end of our first date, we were heavy making out in my car; fogging up the windows- I felt 16 again!  ßmostly due to the alcohol consumption, but screw it, it was liberating!

Do you remember your first love? How exciting just making out and touching was?  Well, that’s how I felt with him!  We kissed for at least an hour.  I felt ridiculous making out in a parking lot, but screw it, we had so much fun!

Fast forward to today (just a couple months later), I still can’t get over how exciting and fun my life has become.  I don’t know why I thought as soon as I got married that I needed to settle down and be Martha Stewart.  Just the other day, after we spent a weekend out of town, hiking, biking, dining in a city, and just having an overall amazing time (with mind blowing sex!! J J ), I recalled how I used to live my life before my separation:  very calm and scheduled.  I’m not saying my marriage was a total bore, but I chose to sit at home and read books on Friday nights, I stuck to the same routine during the week, and I always considered our finances too tight to do anything out of the norm.

Whether or not this relationship works (although I’m hopeful, of course!) what I want to bring to you is to have hope. 

Capture

I used to get so irritated when people would tell me “you’ll meet the right man when you stop looking.”  But damn if I can’t agree more!  I was so persistent on driving a few hours away to get my booty calls and attention from guys; I got strung out in stupid ‘relationships’ that meant nothing with people who didn’t give a shit about me. But, when I was fed up and just open to having a good time (“fuck men!”  was my mantra) that’s when I met someone I really have ended up caring so much about.  He treats me so well; we spend so much time together doing fun things:  hiking, biking, traveling, eating at nice restaurants, talking about things that mean something.

What seemed to be the biggest question I would get from him at the beginning was – “How have you never been in love? You’ve been married; you went all the way with a guy.”  I try to explain to him that I married my best friend.  We have such great memories together, but we tied the knot for all the wrong reasons. Instead of holding out for what I’m feeling and experiencing now, I was in a rush to settle down and be the person everyone else expected me to be.

Life lesson right here:  DO YOU!  The minute I stopped caring what other people thought about me, was the exact moment I realized how truly happy I am.  I am thankful for all the things I’ve gone through with my marriage and divorce, but when I sucked it up and stopped worrying what my ex, friends, and family thought about me, that’s when I really found my happiness.  The perk is that I found it with a sexy, masculine, kind, and fun man!

Until next time…

How much is too much?

How much is too much?

I was having a conversation with a female co-worker (another divorcee) today and we discussed how living together can make it or break it for a couple. She swears up and down she will never live with a man again.  I’ve vowed this off for at least a few years, myself.  When we were comparing notes, the biggest issues we had in past relationships were privacy and space.

When I was married, nothing was private.  This means everything from our phones to bathroom visits.  I would never think twice about reading a text message or email on his phone if it was around me; I could carry on a conversation in the bathroom with my ex while he was going #2. If I ever wanted to bash my in-laws, he would lend an ear.  We were so comfortable around each other, we never held anything back.

In hindsight, I think this was how my marriage quickly moved to the friend-zone.  We showed so much of ourselves that there was no excitement or anticipation.  I was often grossed out by the level of comfort we had with each other; we would laugh about bodily functions and held nothing back.  How can you have an intimate relationship with someone when you don’t keep that stuff to yourself?

On the contrary, I have friends who have been married for years and have never gone to the bathroom in front of each other, text messages and social media stay private. Women shave their legs every day and keep gossip to their girlfriends and men keep their manly talk to their bros.  When we discuss this level of privacy, they are adamant this is the key to keeping the spark in marriage.

ADVISORY:  I, naturally, cannot hold anything back.  I struggle with not constantly speaking my mind, and I don’t mean it in a negative connotation.  My philosophy is: if I’m feeling or thinking something, I should voice it.  #yolo, no regrets and all that shit.  I feel like I’d rather put myself out there than to regret holding back.  BUT:  I’m now learning, through the dating process, that I may be too open.  I don’t necessarily think every guy should hear every thought running through my crazy brain.

I once read an article explaining how women and men need friends in their lives to discuss things in which they shouldn’t with their partner; for women, along the lines of gossip and for men, man cave talk about sports and whatever else men discuss when they are boozing in the garage fiddling with their tools and talking about balls.  I’m starting to think there was a valid point to this.  I should be having meaningful conversations with a mate; I want to discuss the universe, life paths, and important shit to see if we are truly compatible; I want to discuss our differences to see how we would deal with conflict.  Why would I waste my time talking about how “jenny” died her hair blonde and it looks terrible or how “Sarah” broke up and got back together with her douchebag boyfriend again; that should be saved for my girlfriends.

In addition to privacy, my co-worker and I also discussed the need to have a little separation and space.  From my experience, when living with someone, I think it is even more important to venture out on your own to experience new things or take up new hobbies without your partner.  I speak so strongly about this because I never did that in my marriage and I think that is what led me to losing myself.  I had no interests; everything I did was with my husband.  Back then, we thought it was awesome. Our attitude was, “we love each other so much that we always want our partner around to do anything and everything with.”  Looking back, I wish we had a little separation to have our own interests and hobbies.

On the flip side, I do know couples who shared as much as I did in my marriage and they seem to be happy; it seems to work for some couples.  I’m just thinking, moving forward, that a little privacy, discretion, and separation is healthy for my future relationships.

What is life?

What is life?

path

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.  Like, I literally have no idea who I am and what I want to become.  Don’t get me wrong- I’ve done a lot of soul searching in the past year or so and I have learned so much about myself, however, I see myself changing each day and I am losing track of who I really want to be.  I have endless possibilities in which I can choose my next step and I’m drawing a blank!

I know so many people who have gone through divorce and totally changed their life direction; whether it’s starting a new career, moving to some 3rd world country and living off the earth, totally losing their shit, or acting like a child and reliving their ‘glory days.’  I feel like I’ve lived each of those examples short of physically picking up my stuff and moving to another country.  I’ve gone through the full spectrum of emotions; from being at an all-time low, sad and depressed, to being the life of the party, reliving my youth!

I struggle with balance; I have been living to the extremes lately.  It’s either all or nothing in so many aspects of my life, it always has been.  If I set my mind to something, I know it’s eventually going to happen. When you pull up the definition of “Type-A Personality,” my picture should pop up; I’m confident and motivated.  I get shit done.  So I guess that’s why I’m over-thinking where I am in this current moment.  Will my next move define me?  Would I be happy with picking up my life, moving to the other side of the country?  Or should I stay local and wait out this transition and see what comes easily?  I’ve never been someone to sit around and wait for life to happen; I’ve always grabbed it by the balls.

I’m not happy where I am living; it’s always been a place of transition for me, a stepping stone to my next big move.  I always come back here, to my hometown, to get shit figured out and then I’m gone again.     Also, I enjoy my profession.  When I can roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty in the things I enjoy every day, I’m on top of the world.  I love being challenged and leaving the workday knowing I’ve made a difference in other peoples’ lives.  But, moving to another location and getting a new job comes with its own set of obstacles.  Will I like my new position and my new boss?  Should I focus on what I’m currently doing or venture off my career path and try something new?

In the past, I have based my life decisions on men.  I’ve ended up living on both coasts and as south as Florida.  There are cities I’ve lived that hold a special place in my heart and there are places I’ll never go back. But, what scares me now, or confuses me I guess, is that I have this clean slate with limitless possibilities and I have no idea where to start.  Instead of following someone, I finally have the ability to change my life; to make a connection with who I really am and what I really want and I’m terrified.

I imagine there are other people out there who have this wonderful opportunity to embrace the unknown.  It’s exciting and it’s scary.  Maybe I should pay someone to make these huge decisions for me.

courage

Rock Bottom

Rock Bottom

2 posts in one week; I know…pretty crazy.  But I’ve got a lot on my mind and instead of pouring my heart out in my journal for only me to see, I hope I can share this to make a connection with you.  Maybe you’ve been where I am, or maybe it will happen to you in the future, or perhaps one of your friends will be going through this at some point and will need some advice.

Yesterday I spent the majority of the day in tears.  For the past 5 months, I dumped myself into the “relationships” I had with various men;  one in particular got under my skin and I came to really care for him over such a short amount of time (if you’ve read my past post, yup…I’m talking about the same guy).  These men helped me avoid reality:  my marriage is over, I have no idea what I should do with my life, I have lost some close friends and family members, and I have gained some misled haters.  All of this was so easy to ignore when I had the welcome distraction of male companionship.

What’s going on with me:  I won’t say that I have hit rock bottom because that happened to me a year ago, but I’m definitely picking myself up from a low.  I guess it would be helpful for you to understand my entire journey to really get the big picture:

Rock bottom:  I was drinking to the point of puking basically every time I went out. I’m not saying I was an alcoholic as I didn’t party every single night or even every weekend, however, every time I did find myself out, I drank to get wasted.  The specific event which provided this wake-up call was when I was at a friend’s wedding and I drank myself into oblivion.  I got sick in my ex’s lap on the way to the airport; luckily he threw his hat in my face and I used it as a trash bag.  I threw up at the airport and during the entire plane ride to my destination.  I was so sick from binging that I threw up for 2 days straight.  Instead of being a responsible friend celebrating a special life event, I let my demons get the best of me.

I couldn’t control my partying because I needed to numb my thoughts and feelings; that was my way of ‘coping.’  When I returned home, I realized I needed to get myself in check.  I made a vow to stop drinking for one month.  After one month of being sober, I started to feel good about myself.  I didn’t have to worry about waking up the next day after boozing and wonder “what did I say to offend someone last night?” or “did I embarrass myself?” I was starting to realize how much of my life I was wasting acting like a child instead of being an adult and facing my emotions, fears, and life in general.  This is also when I started to realize, for real, that my marriage would not work.

For so many years I always put everyone first; I took care of my family, I moved where people wanted me to move, I went to college where I was expected to go, I got married.  I never really gave myself the free reign to make decisions solely based upon my wants and needs.

When I sobered up, I made a point to focus on me.  I learned to love my flaws and my weaknesses.  I would take time to meditate, to do yoga at least once a week, and to do things that I love (exercise; go for long walks outside, play with my dog, etc.).

So back to today: I recently read an article about self-love and how people who love themselves do things differently than others.  As I read through the different points (listening to my emotions, choosing responsibility over blame, feeding into passions and talents, spending time alone, sleeping on big decisions, and admitting my mistakes), I realized I haven’t strayed as far from self-love as I thought.  I still focus on each of those points on a daily basis.  I try to be true to myself first before I give to others; this has always been hard for me.  My greatest passion is helping those in need; however, with this I tend to neglect myself.  I have found balance giving advice and being there for my friends, family, and even strangers without forgetting me.   I also can own up to my mistakes.  I do this at work and in my personal life.  I have no pride standing in my way from loving myself.

So although my time with the various guys I dated was exciting and gave me the fun butterfly feeling in my stomach I haven’t felt in years, it was a distraction and a way for me to ignore my personal growth goals (or at least side-step them for a few months).  I got so caught up in the games and the excitement that I totally neglected my need to take some time alone to process and grieve. Today I am vowing to myself that I will not lose sight of my goals and the love I have for myself so I can move forward with my life and make decisions that will make me happy.

Love yourself

Debauchery and “Douchebagery”

Debauchery and “Douchebagery”

Did you know if you vomit in an Uber that you are automatically charged $100?  Take these words of wisdom and get your shit together before you physically step in the vehicle. Words to live by, right there!

As I sit here at work today, trying to pull my life together, I really feel like I just got back from a spring break trip in college.  My eyes hurt, I am exhausted, I feel like I could still be hungover- was I poisoned?  Were we in Vegas?  I envision the movie “The Hangover” when I try to start processing the events.

I’ll try to sum up this past weekend for you:  one night, I was “dancing” at the bar; I spent the majority of the time mopping spilled drinks off the floor with my ass.    I gave my number to a dude who later confirmed I “fell a lot.”  The fact that I gave him my number was the first indication I was too high on life that evening.  I still think he is trying to marry me and it’s been 3 days since I’ve seen (and met) him.

Another night, I ordered 2 shots in a row of Fireball (after drinking champeezy all day) then proceeded to take a nap on the bar.  Needless to say I was kicked out; I went to another bar, and was kicked out AGAIN, which led to me vomiting basically everything but the kitchen sink in the Uber guy’s car.  If it were my car, I’d be pissed but since it wasn’t I think it is extremely hilarious! When I got home that night I think I took a shower for at least an hour because I remember the water turning cold but I was too drunk to pick my lazy ass off the bottom of the tub so I just laid there. I do, however, have a pretty amazing picture of me and some dude sporting a track suit and a 1980’s mustache in my phone from that evening, so I’d like to believe it was all worth it.

The rest is cloudy, but you get the point.

Did you go out

Putting the ruckus aside, I currently feel confused and out of sorts.  My “I’m amazing and I don’t need a man” post (titled:  Reflections…) went straight to the poop chute as soon as I started partying this past weekend.  I ended up hanging out with said dude who inspired that post even though I earlier vowed to never speak to him again.  BUT we had an awesome time; he actually spent the night with me the majority of the weekend and we CUDDLED (people- I DO NOT cuddle) although he would have preferred more excitement; so now I’m stuck wondering what the hell happened and what I think about it all.

Here’s what I do know:  as strong as I’d like to think I am of taking the stance of not ‘catching feelings’ and allowing a man to get under my skin, that is not reality.  I have enjoyed this guy’s company because I really feel like I can be myself with him. He has brought things out of me that I was unable to do when I was with my ex, or with anyone for that matter. I am always happy to hear from him and my heart skips a beat when I see his name in my phone. I’m screwed.

I’m not interested in trying to make a man change to suit my lifestyle or needs, but I just saw a piece of him this past weekend that I felt I knew existed, but he just wouldn’t show.  I guess I can also commiserate with where he is at this point in his life because I was just there a year ago:  not knowing who I am inside and not being secure enough to figure it out. I always hid my emotions with sarcasm and partying.  I wasn’t willing to put forth the effort to really process my feelings and emotions, and to get to know who I was as a person because that was too scary.  It was easier for me to define myself by others’ opinions instead of embracing who I really was. until one day I just decided it was time to change….to grow up.  I’m definitely not making excuses for him; I just know he will be good for someone one day, when he is ready.  I also have to note all of the progress I have made over the past year or so and not regress.  I’m happy with who I am today, but it’s easy to lose sight of this.

So back to my previous post, where I was so empowered to “do me;” I know that’s what I have to focus on now, more than ever.  I’ve never really been good about just taking things day by day, but I guess that’s the only advice I can give myself for the time being.  I spent my whole life making plans and that all drastically changed when I decided I wanted a divorce anyway.

do me

Reflections…

Reflections…

7ibbR

I’m exhausted.  These past few months have been a whirlwind of drama, emotion, over thinking, and stress.  Ok, ok, a LOT of fun, too!

Let me backtrack a little:  Since my separation, I have struggled with adapting to the dating world.  I was in a secure relationship for 5 years.  If I called or texted (without overthinking) my ex, I always knew I would get a response right away.  There was no trust issue so we never argued about our whereabouts or even considered the other would stray.

I’ve already met a few guys, some I thought would be the ‘perfect’ gentlemen (NOT the case) and others, I recognized right away their lifestyle wouldn’t mesh with mine.  The thing is, even if I recognized that a guy wasn’t a fit for me, I would stress and over think his actions (or lack thereof).  I think I let my pride get in the way of aiming towards becoming a better ‘me.’  At one point, I was waiting for a guy to text me back so I could ignore him because he ignored me for a few days.  Why I couldn’t just let it go and allow him to be the final dick, I don’t know.  That’s something I need to work on; stop worrying so much about what others think of me and just be happy with who I am.

Do you notice how much of this post is about men already and I’m just a couple paragraphs in? I’m DONE! I had fun getting wild and crazy and not thinking about consequences of meeting random men, taking them home, and having no-strings-attached banging sessions.  But as I pull back and examine how stressed and annoying to myself (and my friends) I have been, I now realize, I put too much emphasis on men and not enough on myself.

When I was first separated, broken and unsure of my next move, I threw myself into yoga a few times a week, writing in my journal about my experiences, feelings, and thoughts to ensure I am learning life lessons instead of letting them pass me by.  That has trailed off because my focus shifted from me to men. 

Fast forward to today:  I’m thankful I was able to realize this so quickly.  I haven’t let my life spiral out of control; I’ve been able to pull back and accept the path I have taken and to move forward on a positive note.  I guess we all get a little sidetracked in achieving our goals.  I’m just relieved that I have the courage to let go of all the men I have met, all the stressing and nonsense to come back to the positive person I have become in the months preceding my separation.

I’m also fortunate to have developed quite the support system of friends, some new and some old.  I have my best friend, of whom I’ve been like a sister for 15 years now. I’ve also met a great group of women who are going through divorce and processing things their own way.  We have been able to bond on that level, provide support and honesty when needed, and just have a good time – to get our minds off the huge life change we are embarking upon and just focusing on living life!

New life goals:  focus on ME

“I caught feelings”

“I caught feelings”

Now that I’ve been back in the dating scene for a descent amount of time and have had the chance to ‘catch feelings’ for some guys, I’ve noticed a few things about myself and about the men I’ve been seeing:

First and foremost:  I didn’t get divorced because I’m a cheater or a psychopath.   I’m a good person.  I’m a confident woman who doesn’t NEED a man.  I am, however, a woman who does WANT to love a man.  I have so much love inside of me to give; I’ve never been the type to let down my walls and I’m ready to make that happen.

Onto the men in which I’ve caught these terrible feelings:  They have come from different backgrounds…lucky for me, they come in all shapes and sizes, too 😉   Some, I have hooked up with a couple times, others I have “talked” to for a few months.   What these guys DID have in common, though, was the fact that they all are not what I’m looking for.

Blogger #2 and I were talking one day and decided we needed to put together a list of questions in which we had to answer when we were reflecting upon the men we meet in order to see if they were worth pursuing or perusing 😉

  1. Does he want to get to know me?  If I’m at a dinner with a guy, or texting (again, because they don’t seem to call- maybe that should be a red flag, eh?!), and there is silly conversation, but no questions regarding who I am, what I want out of life, what makes me happy, etc….then that should be an indicator that he isn’t interested in ME.
  2. Does he make me feel like he wants something more than a physical relationship? OK, we’ve all been there:  sex is a fun and exciting part of dating and adulthood.  I’m the first to recognize that, as I get older, I LOVE sex.  I spent my early 20s getting it on and then I had a 5-year break when I was with my ex.  NOW I’M BACK IN THE SADDLE!!  I’m ready to get out there and to have some fun!!!!  But, when should things start getting more about the person I’m having sex with instead of just the sex?
  3. This relates to the above, but does he always tell me I’m sexy? Or does he tell me I’m beautiful? After we spend a night drinking and banging?  When my hair is a mess or when I don’t have make up on?  Don’t get me wrong, I love to hear that I’m sexy.  I know I’m sexy.  I get it.  But, I think that if a man really cares about me and thinks beyond my sexual expertise, he should be complimenting other qualities I possess.  I know it’s very unusual for men, however, how about looking past my exterior?  Is the man complimenting me on my sense of humor, my spirituality and compassion?

I’ve also noticed how selfish men can be.  Is every single man in their late 20s so into himself that he can’t see beyond his own bubble? (yes, late 20s because I don’t go up, I go down (get it, get it??)…younger men are FUN)

What I want is a man who can be vulnerable with me (yes, I’ve stated above that I have my walls up, so that’s something I’m consciously working on).  But how soon should a dude express to me his hopes, dreams, and fears?  I’ve had random conversations with men about these things, but in a less serious manner. I know we can’t expect them to pour their hearts and souls out after just a few shag sessions.

Most importantly:  If a guy doesn’t recognize that I’m a catch and that I’m a hot commodity, then I shouldn’t give him my attention.  I’m definitely not some sex object who can be expected to drop my pants because that’s what he wants, when he wants it (Yes! I’ve actually found myself in this situation already).

Blogger #2 said the most perfect words to me this morning that I need to remind myself daily:  if a man isn’t making me a priority, then I’m not going to waste my time trying to make him mine.  I’ll keep him in the friends (who fuck) zone and continue “doing me.”

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